My Grandma used to say, the more good circumstances you have, the more are you going to be fragile!
And she indeed was very correct. An incident that took place some time back proved it. It so happened that it was my last year of college... I was at home and suddenly some presentation came up and I had to return to my hostel. The train which I got ticket for goes to Mumbai and is known for its specific facilities for the cancer patients who travel to TATA Memorial Hospital Mumbai for treatment there. Being an introvert, whenever I am on train, I just climb to my upper seat and get busy with my phone or laptop or just sleep. But this time, I got a lower berth and along with that, there were a lot of people who didn’t have seats....and being a morning train, I decided to just share mine.
So, it happened that I found myself sitting with 3 different women and their families all of whom were travelling to Mumbai for their treatment. As time passed, they started interacting among themselves. And I have been coincidentally hearing a lot of cancer stories of late, some of conquer... some of heroic restless battles ….and some of defeat even if they never gave up.....so, I was just silently listening to their conversations making sure they didn’t realize that someone not among them was consuming their stories. Even though I had so many questions in my mind, but I just didn’t wish to interrupt their privacy and thus, resorted to be a good listener.
One of them had Endometrial or Uterus cancer which had almost cured and she was just going for a checkup, one was having Breast Cancer, was going through Chemotherapy and had come home to spend some time with her children and the third lady was just diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer …..she was going for her first ever visit to the hospital. So, three people going through different phases of the same situation.
As the conversation proceeded, I could sense the different levels of fear and courage in them. The one recently diagnosed was scared and was trying to find courage in the stories of the other two and it seemed that they too were sensing it and were garnishing their story of suffering with little incidences of hope and happiness. They were beautifully gift wrapping the tales, not hiding any of the problems that they went through but in a way that instead of acting as terror, those difficult experiences could be a strength to the one preparing to fight them off. All of them were in pain, either physically or emotionally but the strength and zeal to come back in their eyes had such a strong aura that even healthy people lack. They were quite happy. The only point I saw a glimpse of sorrow come to all the three faces was when they were discussing their children’s reaction.... they just didn’t want their family to be sad even if they themselves were going through so much. I just wondered, were they actually so strong or had become so because they had no other option. The discussion continued for a very long time and I felt so good witnessing it. They were giving me another perspective to see everything.
But one lesson I learned from all of them was the importance of time. All three of them were lucky enough to be aware of their body's subtle signals of conveying that something was wrong. They were experiencing unusual symptoms and were wise enough to act upon them in time...and as soon as it was diagnosed, their families made their treatment the first priority. And thus their treatment started at curable stages, thanks to their self awareness. And they also told the tales of some of the friends they made there, who lost their battles just due to the lack of time. This small initiative to be aware can prove to be Elixir of Life in long term.
These discussions gave me such important things to think about which continued almost till the evening until some of them wished to have some sleep. On the other hand,it so happened that the train was going extremely late and my station which was supposed to be reached at 8pm was now expected to be definitely not reaching before 12am ....so my parents instructed me to get down a station 3hrs to my destination where some of my relatives lived. I was not willing to extend this journey and didn’t wish to obey them but who can win from their parents. So, finally I took my bags and reached near the door only to realize that the train was about to leave. And before I could get down, it started. One bad of mine was on the platform and me with another bag, still on the train. I was perplexed when a co-passenger said to get down and he will manage to give me the bag which was still there....and I my mind was so shut off that I did that. The train was at extremely slow pace but as soon as I rested one of my feet on the platform, moment of inertia just threw me on my knees. But thankfully I had instinctly run away from the track while setting my foot, so I was at a safe distance from the train but was kneeling there, my both palms on the platform as well. I had no senses about that bag which they finally threw off to the platform as the train was about to leave it.
I had totally gone blank. The platform was quite crowded, but everyone was there just to stare at me except one girl who came and comforted me. My parents were continuously calling but I wasn’t even able to hear those loud rings of my phone. I was in a state of shock for at least 15 mins....my knee was bleeding but I literally had no sensation of it. I wasn’t consciously crying but my eyes were automatically flowing. That fear of facing your end seems easy but it isn’t. All my dreams and unfulfilled desires came before my eyes in a flash....all my regrets demanded me for closure …a face that my eyes wished to embrace again came smiling before me.....and most importantly, the face of all my loved ones with whom I would have never been able to talk to if my leg had slipped just an inch that day.
That one moment taught me the value of life and the fear of facing death before doing everything I wished to. We have heard the phrase so many times that “Just live your present first without worrying for the future” but we often forget to do so. That day taught me the literal meaning of that phrase. I knew I forgot to live the moments that were part of my heart's most beautiful desires. I did realize that I had lost so much that I wanted in my present while being busy planning my future.
I couldn’t sleep that night.... little bit due to my paining knees and more due to my overthinking analyzing what would have happened if I died that day. And then the thought of those ladies on the train crossed my mind. I had just had a very distant vision of my death and came out safe within minutes. Even after that My emotional condition was so terrible. On the other hand, these people had lived with the prospect of their death for such a long time and still they were smiling. Situations had made them so strong. In fact, all of them had seen death so closely or might have even touched it and came back....but not once did I see any glimpse of hopelessness in their eyes. But, when I faced that incident, practically speaking, I was not even a bit close to death but even then, that Devastating fear freaked me out to an extent that I was just crying , not reacting to anything be it my concerned family’s phone calls, my bleeding knee or the co passenger on the platform who was asking if I was ok.
Even if I was very far from death, just the thought that it could have come if the conditions were a bit more serious, was so haunting. And of course, it had taught me to never ever loose hope too. Because if there are smiling people battling such critical situations in their lives, who are we to get depressed for such silly reasons like having an unrequited love, fights with loved ones or a failed interview. The only time you should regret about these stuffs is when you either fail to express that love, did not try to sort out that fight or didn’t give your best to win over that interview. Doing our share of actions is what lies in our hands...rest is just destiny which neither we can fight nor can those brave warriors I met that day. You just need to keep up the faith and keep going. Just be strong in every situation and don’t loose hope.... what is meant to be will happen no matter what.....what we can do is to just adapt ourselves to the situations and just believe that everything will be fine.... even if the definition of that “fine” is different from your idea of “fine”. Don’t live with regrets, live in present, never loose hope , express what your heart desires to and spread love and smiles whenever you can. You would experience a lot more beautiful phase of your life.
